Sometimes, Doulas Really Suck (and Why That's a Good Thing!)

Hi again, its me, your doula! I have a confession to make, and its not an easy one, but here goes: sometimes I kind of suck. You're probably thinking: "Well, alright... hmm. May want to reconsider that as a solid sales pitch." But really, the truth is, there are a whole lot of things that I am not great at that your partner can really show me a thing or two about. Let's face it, they know you inside and out. You're an unstoppable team.

Now, as awful as I am at being your partner's most intimate loved one, I am pretty great at understanding birth and birthing people as a whole. Every birth is unique and has its own challenges and triumphs, but there are some things that remain pretty constant when it comes to birth, and I am really excited to share all I know with you. We will definitely get to all that as we move further into this pregnancy together, but I feel I must fully confess my shortcomings and hope for the best.

Firstly, I am really bad at being the one your partner wants to fully and completely surrender into. Physically, I am strong in the ways I need to be in order to support a laboring person (marathon squats and double hip squeezes for the win), and I can be a pretty good stand in, but the emotional surrender that happens in labor is yours alone to receive. You are a place of safety when fear of the unknown creeps in and the doubt of their own strength makes its way into this space.

Now, that sounds like a big weight to shoulder and it is, but we will bear it together and when you need it

I'll lend you the strength you both need to make it through.  

 As a doula, I am skilled in intentional touch and I have been known to give a pretty amazing scalp and foot massage, and I will be there to teach you all I know about how to provide that kind of care, but one thing I dont have is your hands and your heart. Through your hands you connect in a way that I could never replace. There is something magical about the energy transfer and strength you project just by being present and physcially connected to each other through touch. Yeah, that's about as "woo" as I will get, but trust me, it's true. Not sure you are "doing it right?" That's where I come in, to give you the confidence that you are enough, and that what you are doing is both important and helpful.

Being the person your loved one wants to share the moment of triumph with.... yeah, again, not my forte.  They did one of the hardest things they have ever done, and they are looking for the one person who gets to share in this moment for the rest of their lives - the day you met your child and added one more to the family tree. The physical and emotional exhaustion will set in soon for your loved one, but you will be there with the energy to care for your little family because your doula knew when you needed the rest, when you needed to eat and drink, and made sure that you knew your partner was well cared for so you could take care of your own needs.

We cannot pour from an empty cup, so we make sure yours is filled.

I am super terrible at knowing all the inside jokes you have accumulated over the years, and definitely can't deliver a laugh like you can at the moment it's needed most. I mean, yeah, I'm good for a chuckle or an eye roll, but my specialties lie in explaining procedures and hospital protocols, and creating space so you can make decisions together for your family in one of the most important moments of your life. You might not know what pain relief options are available, where you can find a cold compress or what a baby's "station" is, but I do. There is magic between you, and your doula just supplies you with the education and tools to make the most of your deep and unbreakable connection.

So really, if I am honest, I am pretty crummy at being a stand in for all the things you are to each other, and I have reconciled myself with that long ago, because I am pretty damn good at being me, your doula. 

A comfort ninja.

A needs anticipator.

A facilitator of oxytocin.

A master of adaptability.

...and together, we make the perfect team.